Thursday, November 22, 2007

Pardoning The Turkey: A Tradition of Injustice

This Thanksgiving, a day where we give thanks for our blessings before we go out and buy new things for which to give thanks and thus bless the nation's bottom line, I could have chosen to blog about the top ten things I'm thankful for, or have posted the words of Abraham Lincoln from when he commenced this national day of thanks. Or something else that would leave you with a warm feeling inside to put you asleep after eating turkey with tryptophan. (at least I like to think it was the tryptophan) But my conscience wouldn't allow it.

No, instead I choose to address the traditional presidential pardon of a turkey. This is an egregious injustice. What crime did the turkey ever commit? Unless all the turkeys are enemy combatants being detained without habeas corpus then they have committed no crime. That the turkey should be pardoned brings shame upon him and his family, everyone suspecting the worse about him, asking what he did to deserve a pardon. Far better is it to be a cooked turkey with a good reputation than a turkey at a petting farm with shame cast upon him.

Why is not PETA outraged that a turkey is being pardoned for a crime it never committed and of which it was never convicted? Do they have something they care about more than the shame of an individual turkey? Obviously PETA tolerates this injustice because if a turkey is pardoned, that makes a turkey a person. They would be exuberant if a turkey was committed of a crime. Pardoning a turkey is a slippery slope to turkey citizens. We must put an end to this unconstitutional act. If turkeys are citizens with rights, then we can't kill and eat them. That would be cruel and unusual punishment. The real cruel and unusual punishment, not being able to eat them.

This is why I will not vote for a vegetarian president. If the president can pardon one turkey, he could theoretically pardon them all. Hell, he could pardon all our livestock, and I like meat way too much to let that happen.

On a related note, I wish we had gone with Benjamin Franklin's idea. He wanted the turkey to be the national bird. You know what that would have meant, succulent bald eagle for Thanksgiving Dinner. The turkey was going to do well regardless. But the bald eagle, if we were able to eat it wouldn't be endangered. Why's that? Because there would be bald eagle farms to provide us with bald eagle meat, keeping them around.

I hope your conscience is not too troubled but this evil, if it is, drown out your woe with food if you haven't already. Remember, don't actually eat bald eagle, its against the law. (put in on advice of legal counsel) As for me, I'm thankful for those of you who read this blog. I leave you with the final words of Lincoln's 1863 Thanksgiving Proclamation. "In testimony whereof I have hereunto set my hand and caused the seal of the United States to be affixed."


Anonymous Jason said...

Mr. Greg! I'm so glad I stopped in. You have been a busy beaver, and I am way behind. I will do my best to catch up over the next few weeks. My brain is in need of some intelligent commentary. I recently read that the turkey is able to fly, but the domestic ones on food farms are intentionally bred for large meat quantities, and are unable to. I'm wondering what a livestock bald eagle would look like. Perhaps I'll doodle some this week and get back to you on that, this article is worthy of some art to go along with it. Cheers!

Mon Nov 26, 01:06:00 AM EST  

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