The Solution to the North Korean Problem

I'm sure you heard the news about North Korea's apparent nuclear test. This is obviously a cause for concern. But let's for a moment look at the bright side, North Korea has one less nuclear bomb. All we have to do is get them to keep testing, until he uses up all his nuclear material. So I'm going to make a direct appeal to Kim Jong Il. "Kim Jong Il, you were just lucky. But we all know you can't do it again. Don't even bother. Unless you test six more nuclear bombs, we'll have no respect for you. So just go back to watching your DVD collection and leave nuclear bombs to us who know what we're doing."

Now Kim Jong Il likes movies, particularly James Bond films, and apparently wanted to be a film director before becoming a dictator. Now what is it with people who dream of being in the arts, have their dreams shatter, and then decide to become a dictator instead. Hitler wanted to be an artist but wasn't accepted into art school. We need to have special slots in art school for people who would otherwise might try to become a dictator. "Your portfolio sucks, but you did check the I'm going to take over a country box if you reject me, so we're letting you in to be on the safe side."

Now maybe Kim Jong Il felt compelled to live up to his father's expectations and tossed away his childish dream of being a film director to be a ruthless dictator. So here's the deal we need to offer. If Kim Jong Il ends the nuclear program, reforms North Korea democratically so to end the totalitarian regime, we'll let him direct the next James Bond movie, maybe even in North Korea. Let's face it, the James Bond movies are going down hill anyways, so what's to lose. Maybe he would even do a better job and turn them around. The deal is too good for him to refuse. And if he doesn't accept the offer, we're cutting off his Netflix, and charging him late fees. (I did not get paid to mention Netflix, although if they want to pay me, that would be perfectly alright with me.)

Now I heard Bush talking about diplomacy. Diplomacy! That's not the Bush I knew when we were under an imminent threat of Saddam Hussein wanting to develop weapons of mass destruction. If we invade a country for just thinking about weapons of mass destruction, why would we only verbally condemn a country who actually tested a weapon of mass destruction? And how are we going to sanction a country which has nothing and doesn't care about its own people? (I read an article saying they were going to cut off funds from counterfeiting, money laundering, and other illegal financial activities. Why would they not have cut that off long ago?) The UN is going to write a strongly worded letter to North Korea. Kim Jong Il is trembling in fear right now. That's why he performed the test on a Sunday, no mail delivery.

Of course its really not that simple. Sure, it might be better for the US for the US to pre-emptively take out the North Korean threat through a decisive military strike before North Korea is putting nuclear bombs on bottle rockets that will reach the US. But South Korea would lose if we strike. And even if we knew that North Korea had not nuclear bombs, they still have a large military and plenty of conventional weapons pointed at South Korea. South Korea would be devastated before we could get rid of North Korea. Thousands and thousands of South Koreans would probably be killed and the South Korean economy would be wiped out. And we certainly don't have the troops available to have any sort of ground invasion of North Korea. Even if we hadn't gone to war with Iraq, I would doubt we'd have enough troops without a draft.

Another problem is that even if we could take over North Korea, democracy would not work right now. The North Korean people have been brainwashed, kept in the dark, and kept uneducated for way too long to be able to start a democracy for years to come. You can't have a successful democracy without educated people. And reintegration with South Korea would again devastate the South Korean economy. The UN would have to run North Korea for years to come.

So after considering the various options for a response, I'd say the best option is to offer Kim Jong Il a director's job in exchange for dismantling the totalitarian regime and stepping down. It's clearly the only thing that will work given the circumstances. I wish I could offer something better, but that's the best we can hope for. So we're going to be inviting to the multilateral talks all the major movie studios. And get ready, Kim Jong Il is coming to a theater near you.