Friday, December 22, 2006

The Real Santa Claus - Not Who You Think

Its that time of year when Santa Claus goes around the world giving away toys. What a great philanthropist. But lets take a closer look at the man in the red suit, and what he is really doing.

Think about some of the gifts that are given from Santa Claus. CDs, DVDs, books, video games, and various name brand products. If any body else did this that would be intellectual property theft, copyright violations, trademark infringements, and the like. Why is that not the case with Mr. Claus? It is. The North Pole looks more like a Chinese knock-off factory than a Winter Wonderland. Santa is costing our economy billions of dollars every year. It Santa didn't give away all these gifts, people would have to go out and buy them from legitimate companies, which would generate jobs, raise the stock market, and overall help our economy. Just imagine how much more in the black Black Friday would make our nation's businesses if not for Santa.

Santa Claus goes around to people's houses, sneaking down their chimney's or any way he can sneak in. Just think about the millions of homes trespassed every Christmas. And of course in homes without chimneys, he has to break and enter homes, and not merely trespass. He is dangerous, he knows how to get pass the most secure security systems. No one is safe. What a sad state our world is in when millions of dollars won't buy you protection from Santa Claus, if that is his real name.

Santa Claus goes around the globe every year. What else is he doing, going to North Korea and Iran, the Axis of Evil, before coming to the US. Does he go through customs? No. Santa is violating UN sanctions by bringing luxury items. But more importantly, how do we know that toys are the only thing being brought into the United States. With North Korea having nuclear bombs now, what's to stop Santa Claus from smuggling one or more of them into the country. Santa Claus is illegally crossing borders, without going through customs, declaring his luggage, and being inspected. Besides weapons, imagine what else Santa could be bringing. How do all the illegal drugs get in our country? Our nation's hardworking border agents wouldn't let that happen. Its not there fault, so it can only be Santa's. He does have to finance his whole operation somehow.

Let's turn our gaze onto Santa's workshop, or should we say Santa's sweatshop? How does Santa manage to pump out so many gifts? By forcing children to work in substandard conditions, underpaid, overworked, and utterly dependent upon Santa for their livelihood up there.

He knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when you're awake. He knows when you've been bad or good. One thing Santa Claus apparently doesn't know is that you have according to the Supreme Court a constitutional right to privacy. How does Santa know all this without obtaining any warrants for surveillance? Santa has the world's massive intelligence network. His reckless disregard for your rights makes Bush's warrantless wiretaps look like holding a glass to your wall. There's no telling where all the bugs are in your house. For starters, every item that Santa gave you last Christmas. Hopefully all Santa has hidden are bugs, but I fear that worse may lie in his presents, biological and chemical weapons, explosives, who knows.

And if Santa does know when you've been bad and when you've been good, he could have been a great asset. Would not Santa have known that Saddam didn't have weapons of mass destruction? He could have prevented this whole war. But he did not. He withheld this knowledge in the march to war. The 9/11 Commission missed out on Santa's knowledge of the attacks before they happened. That's just the tip of the iceberg, every other planned crime could have been prevented with Santa's help.

Last but not certainly not least, Santa's propaganda machine. Look at all the Christmas movies, songs, and TV specials painting Santa in a positive light. This web of lies has gotten us to become complacent over Santa's illegal activities. But that's not the worse of it. The worse awaits those heroes who would stand up to Santa's tyranny. Take a certain fellow living near Whoville. He tried to stop Santa's work, and so is called the Grinch. I fear I too will now be the target of Santa's propaganda.

When all the facts are in, Santa is by far the worst criminal in the world. He should be at the top of the most wanted list. We need to strike before Santa strikes at us again. Bush, I implore you to send in a Black Ops force to his North Pole hideout before Christmas Eve arrives.

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