Thursday, August 10, 2006

Terror Plot Triggers Increased Aviation Security.

If you haven't heard by now, (You really need to pay more attention to the news.) there was a foiled terror plot on British flights to the United States. 24 suspects were arrested in England. The plot involved smuggling in explosives in liquids and gels, such as beverages, toothpaste, etc., onto flights and using some electronic device to detonate them.

Consequently, all liquids and gels have been banned on flights in the United States by the TSA, in Britain, and other countries around the globe. That includes beverages including water, deodorant, toothpaste, hair spray, hair gel, suntan lotion, cosmetics, lip balm, contact solution; as well as all blood, water, and other bodily fluids still in your body. All shoes have to be x-rayed now. Furthermore, in Britain flights to the US had all carry-on baggage banned. The only thing allowed was travel documents in a clear plastic bag and medications. Baby formula is allowed, but it has to be tasted in front of inspectors. In Britain, laptops, mobile phones, and mp3 players were banned on flights. The banned items can be put in checked baggage. I don't know about you, but I don't trust the airlines handling my laptop and other electronic devices. If your baggage is lost, you would be out all that data. And what would someone do without there cell phone, they'd be helpless. "Alright, I need to call home. The number is. I don't know." No one knows any phone numbers anymore.

I say why make baby formula an exception? Sure, it will prevent babies from flying, but what's wrong with that? Have you ever enjoyed listening to a baby scream on a flight? Let's at least let a little good come from these tighter security measures and keep babies off planes. More importantly, why would a terrorist care about harming a baby, if they have no problem blowing up a plane full of civilians, men, woman, and children? The exception could prove catastrophic, so get rid of it.

I've come up with a series of draconian security measures in addition to those already in place that will create the most secure flights ever. First of all, let's follow the British's example and have no carry-on, period. No liquids, no gels, no electronics, no books (you could give someone a paper cut), nothing. Why take chances? So what is one to do on the plane? Try watching the in flight movie. Seriously, you'll have to. No headphones will be allowed, because you might be able to stab someone with the jack, so the movies will play out loud. You could sleep, you just won't have any pillows or blankets. Talk to your fellow passengers. Just be sure not to complain or joke about the new security measures, because only terrorists will have a problem with them. You can't say bomb on the airplane, neither can you say suntan lotion, shampoo, any other liquid's name, nor unhappy, "this sucks," or any other words of discontent. You're not a terrorist, are you? You could try reading the in-flight magazine. Actually, that won't be allowed either, just like a book you could give someone a paper cut. Same thing for the safety instructions, which no one actually reads anyways. You'll have to pay attention during the safety demonstration instead of waiting to find out what to do when the emergency actually happens. Actually, those flotation devices will be removed because they're too big a risk, so forget that part.

Furthermore, what you can wear will be restricted. When you get to the airport, open up you bags to be checked, take your shoes off, socks off, jacket off, hat off, etc. And put it all in the bag. You're allowed to wear a swimsuit, and that's it. More skin means less places to hide explosives or other weapons. Now before anyone gets excited, everyone is going to be dressed like that. Young, old, skinny, fat. By the way, you'll also be given a cavity search, just to be one the safe side. Restaurants will still be open past security checkpoints, but remember, "no shoes, no shirt, no service." I feel sorry for people with layovers.

Another option instead of having to wear a swimsuit on your flight is this. When you get to security, you'll enter a changing room, remove all your clothes and throw them away, and be given some underwear, shorts, and a short sleeve T-shirt. All that will of course be built in to the ticket price, so don't worry. After all, you won't be allowed to have your credit card on you. Actually, one credit card will be allowed so you can buy clothing past the checkpoint. And also in case your checked bags are lost, and you're totally screwed.

Now we won't have to worry about any attacks in the passenger cabin. But we still have all the checked baggage. So, we'll just ban checked baggage as well, very simple. Then you won't have to worry about the airlines losing the luggage. How will you travel with anything, you might ask. Well, you won't. When you get to your destination you can buy everything. We will build malls at airports for arriving passengers. Before you throw away your digital camera, mobile phone, laptop computer, and iPod, you'll be given an opportunity to back all your data up on the internet before entering security. This will ensure your safety and stimulate the economy. So that you can afford buying everything from overpriced airport stores, we'll have another tax cut. Now, because the higher your income the more you are likely to fly, the tax cut will of course inversely proportional to your income. So the poor, who can't afford to fly, won't receive anything. It's only fair. Additionally, the lost of checked bags and carry on will make up for the increasing weight of Americans causing increased fuel consumption. A new class will be created, steerage, down in the former baggage compartment of the airplane.

So the good thing is security lines will move fast since people won't have anything to carry on or check? So that means the time between one's flight and check-in time is reduced? You would think so, wouldn't you. And it would, except you'll have to get to the airport 6 hours early? Why's that? Every possible attack from the passenger cabin has not been eliminated yet. This next security measure may seem inconvenient, to say the least, but rest assured it is absolutely necessary to ensure almost but not quite total security. You'll check in and go through security. While going through security you'll be sequestered and given a laxative to make sure you don't try to sneak anything on by swallowing it. You'll also have to throw up, so be sure you eat something before you leave for the airport. (The plus side is you can eat fattening food without worrying about your waistline, since it will be thrown up anyways. )While we're at it, let's just ban the use of the lavatories on board aircraft since there is too much privacy. For that matter, to make sure you don't retrieve any items while in the terminal restrooms, we'll close those to. Don't worry about going to the restroom, you'll be given some Immodium after the security checkpoint.

So that is how we obtain total aviation security. It may seem a bit overboard and inconveniencing, but its the only way. It's only a matter of time before such measures are in place. So, Secretary Chertoff, if you read this blog and take up these measures, all I ask in payment is this, a private jet to avoid the hassle of increased security.

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Anonymous Sec. Chertoff said...

I like these security measures. I think we should just get rid of the paranoia about nudity. Clothing will no longer be worn. This will surely prevent any Islamic Fascists from attempting to blow up planes, because they have all these modesty rules.

Thu Aug 17, 07:18:00 PM EDT  

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