Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Red Tuesday: Surviving the Chaos

Yesterday, if you've read the paper, watched TV, or been online, (You're probably online right now.) you're aware that yesterday the stock market took a massive plunge. Over 3% across the board, i.e. the NASDAQ, the Dow, and the S & P. (China dropped 9%, which helped trigger this decline worldwide.) Yesterday, being called Red Tuesday by me, (Red because there's already a Black Tuesday, and because unlike in 1929 the world is in color and so negative numbers show up in the red on financial spreadsheets) was only the beginning of it. Clearly, we are entering a second Great Depression. (GD II) Unfortunately, the name Great Depression is taken, so let's pick a synonym and make it the Terrific Depression. Although I guess technically its not a depression, so the Terrific Recession. Then again, I believe technically it is not a recession either, so the Terrific Economic Slow Down. (TESD)

Don't panic. If you take my advice you just may get through this with more than the skin of your teeth. So the first thing you should do is PANIC! We're about to enter the second Great Depression, or Terrific Economic Slow Down if you prefer, why shouldn't you be worried?! You know what this means. People are going to lose their jobs, banks are going to close their doors while demanding people immediately repay the full balance on their loans, people are going to lose their homes and be living in Bushdads, (like Hoovervilles.) and the like. You could lose everything. Panicked yet?

Second, you must prepare yourself for the worse case scenario. Go out right now and while your money can be used for more than just toilet paper, go buy some comfortable shoes that you can wear while standing in the soup line for hours. Don't forget a couple of good pairs of socks. While you're at it buy a warm jacket. Also pick up a nice tent and a van to live in and drive around in finding free WiFi. Is the Internet really a necessity? (Do you truly remember the time before the Internet? I thought not. How do you think you'll live without it, much less this blog?) Also, pick up a gun. If you're forced into looting (which is a legitimate response in an emergency situation) for necessities like HDTVs or stealing (which is wrong) for food, you want to be able to protect yourself. In the words of the second amendment, you are your own well-regulated militia, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. (If they do, you can just shoot them.)

Hopefully the worse case scenario won't happen, if you take the right measures now. So third, sell all your investments and clear out your bank account right now. You have to put your wealth in something that will protect it. In the Great Depression in Germany inflation was so bad people's whole life savings couldn't even buy a loaf of bread. You don't want that to happen to you. (Unless you're on the Atkins diet.) At first I would say gold. And yes, gold would be better than pieces of soon to be worthless paper. But if you think about it, what good is gold in the state of total anarchy that is breaking out as we speak? You can't eat it. Is somebody going to trade a loaf of bread for a bar of worthless gold? (Probably. Although it's a trick question. If you remember, nobody can afford a loaf of bread, so hows anyone going to have one to trade?) If you wear it the only good its going to do is get a gun stuck in your face. The only thing you'll be able to use it for is to hit someone in self defense (or offense, in a state of emergency any thing goes.) I'd advise something that won't only lose value, but will keep gaining value. What is that? Oil. The stock market went down 3% yesterday, the price of gas at the pump went up 20 cents today. Oil is a sure bet. (Disclaimer: In investing there are potential gains and risks. You must carefully weigh and balance how much gain you want and risk you are willing to accept. You should consult your financial advisor. This information is only one possible suggestion. This blog nor associated bloggers assume no liability for any loss either directly or indirectly from taking or rejecting any advice on this blog, to the legal limit as allowed by state law, except for in the state of California and Maryland. If any parts of this agreement are found unenforceable, that will not void the other parts of this agreement. By reading this you have accepted this agreement.) Although you could buy more crude oil for your buck, I'd go with gasoline, just in case all the refineries shut down, so you'll still be able to use it. If you want to diversify, go with regular, premium, and diesel. This is going to be a lot of oil, more than you can use. But you can barter with it. Just because Americans have lost their homes doesn't mean they're driving any less. (Are we savages? God gave us legs for a reason, to drive.) On the contrary, they're going to need an even bigger SUV to live in.

Now some might say this is overreaction. That what happened yesterday was just a "correction," as the economists put it, that was due after such record increases. I bet that's what the economists were saying on Black Thursday back in 1929 after the booming '20s. Well I've got news for you, that correction lasted ten years. And whats with this term "correction" anyways? It makes it sound like its some planned event. Do all the major stockbrokers get together and plan it out? "Okay. On February 27 we're going to have a correction. So everyone sell your stock. And remember, keep America in the dark. If word gets out this correction will happen not on our terms, and we'll lose our money, instead of their money." Quite frankly, sometimes I feel economists are just making this up, that its all smoke and mirrors. Ask two economists what they think, and you'll get two different answers. If you think about it, we might as well just let our economy depend on handicapping horse races as much as betting on how other people will bet on stocks, which may be disconnected from the reality of the companies of which they are shares.

So clearly, this is not a overreaction put a perfectly reasoned, pragmatic response. Take this advice, and you will surely survive the Terrific Economic Slow Down. Choose to ignore it, then best of luck to you. And if you find yourself stuck with more gasoline than you can use, let me know and I'd gladly take some off your hand, I need to fill up anyways.

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