Sunday, August 20, 2006

Red Alert - New Terror Plot

The Department of Homeland Security and TSA have raised the nations aviation threat level to red, or severe. There is a high risk of a terrorist attack using snakes on a plane. No snakes may be in carry on or checked bags. This has caused mass chaos at airports as trash cans full of snakes have been accumulating. Many people have had to throw entire terraniums of snakes worth several hundred dollars away that they purchased in terminal pet shops. There is an exception, one small, non-poisonous snake may be carried on if you have it bite you first per person, and only if enclosed in a clear plastic bag. Seriously, Federal authorities are worried that the movie "Snakes on a Plane" could give terrorists ideas and are cracking down. (TSA Announcement)

"Snakes on a Plane" is a film that by no rational, reasonable standards worth holding could be called good. To do so would to take away all meaning from the word "good." Doing so is an act of verbicide so atrocious one deserves to be locked up in the Hague for Crimes Against Language, with snakes in your cell. Nevertheless, the movie was entertaining. It's funny, action packed, suspenseful, and more. It's definitely not going to win any Oscars, which was a guarantee from when they came up with the title "Snakes on a Plane." And there are some pretty crude to say the least parts in the film.

I couldn't believe though that I saw a child in the theater when I went to see it. I felt like getting up and going to the parent. "No. Get out. Seriously, get out. You want to screw your child up? Too bad. Take him to a Disney film. How about Pirates of the Caribbean, or Cars? I'm not kidding. I don't care if you're too cheap to pay for baby sitting. Get out." But I didn't.

This film has gotten me thinking about some other possibilities for films. "Rats on a Train," "Centipedes on a Scooter," "Cows on a Tractor," (A propaganda film for the Dairy Farmers of America showing them growing their own food, living in a farm house, and selling their milk to pay for their new plasma TV, etc. Rated G for all ages. Until the older cow goes to the 'retirement home.') "Bees on a Bus," "Spiders on a Submarine," "Rats on a Subway," (actually that's nonfiction) "Termites on a Mayflower," (a historical film in time for Thanksgiving 2007, coming to a theater near you), and my favorite "Ants on a Highway." Pretty much anything that fits (type of animal) on a (mode of transportation). Or more broadly (type of organism) (preposition) (mode of transportation) . "Venus Fly Traps in a Cab." Or even more broadly, (something) (preposition) (something). "Corn on a Cob."Or "Mayonnaise on my Wendy's Homestyle Chicken Fillet Sandwich." "I'm tired of this ___ mayonnaise on my _____ sandwich. I ordered it no mayonnaise." (I have some anger against the food service on my campus.) "Shampoo on a Plane." Or maybe "Babies on a Plane." (I'm also annoyed by screaming babies on a flight.) The key to making any of these films work is getting Samuel L. Jackson. He, and only he, can pretty much pull off any of these. Samuel L. Jackson is why the US is going nuts over "Snakes on a Plane."

But seriously, "Snakes on a Plane" is unique. Only certain transportation could work. A plane works because you can't just land the plane while over water. Spiders on a Submarine could work if it takes place during the Cold War and the Submarine can't surface. "The Hunt for Red October" meets "Snakes on a Plane," making a great movie horrible. Sean Connery for the Russian sub captain, Samuel L. Jackson for the American sub captain. A car wouldn't work very well since you could just pull over and get out.

Unless there are "Ants on a Highway." Here's the premise. The only thing that could trigger a massive explosion in the ant population, global warming, causes a massive explosion in the ant population. And the ants migrate from Central America to the southern United States, across our new border wall with soldiers standing by helplessly, actually rolling on the ground trying to get them off, but anyways. So, the only way to be safe is to constantly keep driving until out of the affected region so that your vehicle doesn't get swarmed. (Some people stand in puddles of water which end up evaporating on them.) Now just imagine, someone climbing out of their car at 60 miles per hour and siphoning gasoline out of another car to keep going. (Because ants can run at 59 miles per hour.) Or, someone gets a flat tire but can't stop. So they have everyone move to the opposite corner so the car will only drive on three wheels. Then, because of an ominous curve coming up on the road which they know using their On-Star in dash navigation system, someone climbs out and changes the tire while its driving on three wheels. That's probably not even possible in real life, but it would be exciting. A dad says, "Don't make me pull this car over." Then he pulls the car over and it is swarmed as they try driving away too late. All of this complicated by the horrible evacuating traffic which results in the ants swarming thousands of cars idling on major highways, and of course looting. But the looters get justice when the ants attack them. And the government is also trying to get gasoline to moving vehicles and evacuate people by air. In the end, only the Toyota Priuses make it far enough to escape the terror. This film is ripe for product plugs, On-Star, Toyota Prius, which would be necessary as the movie wouldn't make enough money from box office sales.

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